i spent christmas eve crossing boroughs.  i went to my mom’s to drop off her gifts and then took the 3 hour tour to my dad’s.  i got there expecting to see my niece, nephew, lil cousin and baby brother creating havoc and causing chaos.  instead my nephew was the only minor present to greet me.

everyone else was off doing their own things…my niece was spending the holiday with her dad, my cousin with his parents and my brother was out running the streets as only a teenager can…the house didn’t seem any different than a regular visit. there was nothing to mark the holiday.

i enjoyed watching my nephew open his gifts.  i told the family we were pretending christmas eve was christmas because i could not be with them on christmas.  he seemed to enjoy his new toys and couldn’t wait to use his toothbrush

after dinner, some gossiping with my stepmom, tv, lecturing the teen when he got home and catching up with the old man i headed on my journey home.  it’s when i got home that i sat down and realized how very blessed i am.

2009 was a difficult year.  i faced many challenges.  if my faith wasn’t so strong i’m not sure i would have made it through this year.  i have learned to cherish my loved ones in a way i used to take for granted.  i have also begun foreseeing a time when i might not have them and it scares me senseless.

i also realize that i am lonely.  i need to stand still for a moment and really think of what it is that i need to do to better myself to be the person that God wants me to be.  when i don’t have a clear path i rush through my existence hoping to catch up to what i’m supposed to be doing without ever really looking around to see if i’m going in circles.

i know that i am loved by many.  i know that i have a heart full of love to share.  i know that God is growing me to be the perfect me and is preparing me to find the man he has made to be my partner in life.

i have decided that 2010 will be the year when i meet him.  if he’s someone i already know then 2010 will be the year that we wake up and recognize each other as we’re supposed to be.  next christmas i will be preparing to spend the holiday in my home with my family and him in a bubble of love.

may your christmas be filled with joy, laughter and love because at the end of the day nothing else matters…

in my mind i keep starting, then stopping, then re-editing so many different things that i want to post.

what stops me?  only myself.  as my biggest critic in life i continue to stop myself.  why?  maybe because i don’t trust myself as much as others seem to.  or maybe because every time i allow myself to leap without looking i’m the only one around to pick up the pieces.

in no way do i regret my decision to leave my job.  it was possibly the most selfish and healthy thing i have ever done in life.  what i am challenged by is my lack of action plan since.  i’m living in fear of not knowing what i want to do.  yet, i usually pride myself in casting fear aside because i know, trust and believe that my God will see me through anything that He has seen me to.

in no way do i regret loving him for over 5 years even if i can now see how one sided the love really was. what challenges me now is understanding that it is okay to be sad and miss having an almost partner but reminding myself that i am worth a loving, caring, committed man that will cherish & support me in the same way i did him.

i keep waking up so i know that i am blessed and still have a purpose in this world.  what challenges me is learning what that purpose is.

in no way is this what i planned to blog when signing it but let’s be real very rarely does the plan meet the paper.  hopefully this flow will be the beginning of letting go of all that is in my head and heart.  what challenges me is not an absence of content but instead a jumble of ideas, poetry, blogs, books that all wish to tumble forth yet block each other the chance for entry into the world.

i am what challenges me.  i am who wins and loses when i succeed and fail.  i am the one that can tear myself apart.  and i am the one that will rebuild!

til next time.  besos babe!