personally i dont think its anything wrong with women proposing to men… just that men should still get the ring, no matter what though, but i’ve been proposed to twice, and i didnt see anything wrong with it – its like this, if the babe is feeling the dude, she cant automatically assume the dude is supposed to know that she wants to get married, and therefore she might be sitting there waiting on him to say something for months, and thats if he even says anything.

I’m starting to think that it I want to get married in the next few years, I may have to bite the bullet and ask someone…or at least strongly suggest it. However, I am an old fashioned southern belle at heart, so I would love for the man I am with to ask me. It shows that first level of commitment of that next stage of our lives…I would always feel like I pushed him into it, if I were the one to ask.

Jam, I’m with you on being old fashioned because ideally i would want my dude to pop the question but logically speaking if you waited for him to pop the question couldn’t he theoretically speaking feel he pushed you into the marriage too?

Yeah, I guess…but from my experience it seems that I have always been the one who has been the most sure of my feelings, at least initially (it always takes the guy a second to catch up, I’ve always been advanced, lol)…therefore, just for me personally, I will need that reassurance that he wants me just as much as I want him. I guess I am just sick of always making for the first move, and I want whomever I marry to take the initiative for our future. Perhaps it is old fashioned…but I just want to be sure, when I get married, I want it to last, I want it to be for the right reasons, divorce is not a bandaid or an quick fix solution that I want to rely on…

i don’t believe in divorce either and i too am old-fashioned but in the end i’ve been thinking about it a lot and i think i would be fine doing it b/c the worst that he can do is say no and then i’ll know that he wasn’t the man for me and i would rather know it in that moment then after waiting around for another five, ten, fifteen years hoping he is going to ask…

Good point…that’s one of the reasons I ended up bouncing after three years into my last relationship…he wasn’t ready to come correct with a ring, but he wanted all the benefits of a wife…Sometimes you just have to say no…great topic Ms. Diva.

Hello folks! was invited to this blog by Jameka…she just thought I’d get a kick out of it, seeing that we’re so mirrored in relationship situations. I too am not seeing anyone, but have had my heart set on the one man I was all ready to walk down the isle with. I was very much bent on the notion of asking him to marry me. We just bonded so well and got along so well, i felt that it would’ve been so “new millenium” to pop the question. Unfortunately I we never got around to picking out invitations lol.
Nothing wrong with popping the question but bet your bottom dollar we’ll be picking out my ring together. now a question (counteracting El conquistadore’s notion) … is it okay to split for the ring? Or should the man be the one to pay for it?

welcome Onika…look around and hopefully you will enjoy…

the ring thing is where things get murky for me…i don’t see me giving him a ring b/c i just don’t see a man wearing an engagement ring but if i pop the question is it fair that he has to go out and buy the $20,000 ring that i’ve had my eye on? or is it fair that since he didn’t ask me i don’t get a ring?

Thanks for the warm welcome. I would think a ring, regardless, needs to be exchanged. Something about it binding the agreement to get married sits on my heart. I agree with you saying that the man shouldn’t be the one who wears the ring, simply because of tradition and the fact that its normally the woman who’s sought after. We’ll keep that part for tradition sake

Nowwww LRDC (your name is long as hell lol)… does the ring have to be $20,000. I’m sort of simple, my first ring was no more than $500. Think I’m more into the love that the cost. for that price…shoot give me a cracker jack box ring and put that on a down payment on a house. I would hate to know that I get a ring that expensive, and home dude is still paying it off and denies me a trip to Aruba.

Questions can spin out like a snow ball effect when it comes to taking the plunge into “happily ever after”….i like and i’m all set for em…bring em on (my mr. right isn’t here and won’t be anytime soon, so I have time to kill

Hey Onika, you can call me Diva or Reina for short…lol
The ring doesn’t have to be $20k…the past love i talked about in the blog didn’t have the money to buy me the $20K ring and i still wanted to marry him. For him though it was an issue because he knew that I’m the type of woman that always goes looking for the best and he felt he couldn’t give it to me. It’s funny you bring up the downpayment for the house b/c I used those exact words saying for us I would rather us put the money that would go for a huge wedding and ring to go towards our home…it’s all about building the foundation…
the foundation is what i guess i’m talking about in the blog. is the foundation in a relationship where a woman proposes different than that where the man proposes?

Gotcha Diva

The foundation is love, should be love, and once that’s there, I honestly don’t think it matters who pops the question. We’d both be walking down the aisle anywho’s.

Now tracing back a bit…for a man to tell me he loves me, but tells me he feels he can’t give me what I need, is a man who does not know me. if I tell you what I’m looking for I’ve found in you, and you don’t take…then we don’t need to be together, he obviously has some issues to deal with, within himself. A hard thing to fathom, that the man you love feels he needs to love you materially, but I’ve been there and it was a battle lost.

Now about that house – does it come with a maid?

Man I was gonna make a comment and ya’ll over here having a conversation lol. Sheesh. Well i was just going to say that when I get married, if I could have just a small private one, I’d be cool with all that. Big production numbers just aren’t my thing,s way to much is involved in it, and it last all about an hour at most. The focus should be on the lasting relationship after the production.

Well stated Verse. Would you want to be the one who does the asking? Or would you care if your significant other did the asking?

well at least i now know the comment feature is working smoothly, lol, that was the main reason behind me moving her to wordpress in the first place, lol.

i still say its not a good look if the babe gets the ring, but i do like onika’s compromise of a less inexpensive ring and offsetting it with a nicer place, car or something of that nature. my brother bought one of his fiances (yeah it runs in the family, lol) a killer expensive ring… only for them to return to our (we all stayed together) “so-popping” 4 room shack in the projects, lol. interesting enough she asked for an expensive restaurant right after getting the ring, and my brother told her “thats dinner on your finger!” hahaha classic!

but i say the man should cop the ring, thats just a requirement and would be fair, unless its a real difference in income to where the dude couldnt flat out afford it, and even then, he should step his employment qualification game up.

Well said Verse. Focus should definitely be placed on the lasting relationship. Now its funny that I sat in my History class on Tuesday and the concept of marriage came up. In the 1600’s at the time of US Colonization (I’m guessing this stems from way back) the concept of marriage was more based on the concept of slavery. I buy your daughter with two pigs and a cow, in return for ownership and obviously sexual satisfaction. The concept of the ring as revealed was based on the concept of yoking/imprisonment. I think my professor (handsome as he is…just wanted us ladies to stray off from looking forward to being married ) Nonetheless. The shape of the ring was to mock shackles..shackles on the finger to insinuate that this woman was bought. He then urged us to look up the meaning of the word husband… some found it to mean owner of (including a wife); some found it to mean master of the house. Now thinking of this conversation, I sat in class and wondered where does love really fit in. If this is true, obviously the concept and the meaning has changed as we tend to focus on love, moreso the “ownership” concept. Now it devalues for me, the concept of the ring. Is it needed?

Yes…I need my ring, lol. Girl, I am so glad I invited you over…anyway, you bring up an interesting point about the history behind the ring, the term husband and what marriage means in general from a historical perspective. For me, even knowing the history, I still think that the ring has turned into a lovely symbol of lasting love and reverence for that love. It’s unfortunate that people do not seem to value taking those vows of marriage anymore. When I do it, I don’t want it to be because it was time to move to the next level or it just seemed like something cool to do at the moment. When I get married for the first and (God willing) only time, I want it to be because of love and mutual respect and admiration, as well as the willingness to share myself through good and bad times with a person who understands me…for me, that’s what that ring will represent–a seamless joining of two under the eyes of God. My ring doesn’t need to be expensive, just thoughtful…We can use the money to buy more property and take a wonderful honeymoon. I think I’d like to go to Greece. On a slightly unrelated note, I really want to be proposed to instead of being the one doing the actual proposing…honestly, I just want to know what it feels like to hear the words.

“I still think that the ring has turned into a lovely symbol of lasting love and reverence for that love” ….whew I thought it was just me … I so wanted to let my professor know that he is just as scared as the rest of them…so holding on to that notion is their scapegoat…but my “A” doesn’t deserve that.

I can tell you’ll be writing your own wedding vows (mine is still tucked away at the back of my journal)

I too look forward to being asked, just to get that “butterflyish” feel. Unfortunately I’ve been down that road, but later one realized i was asked simply becuase of fear of another moving on in to stake claim. So though I felt the temporary rush of butterflies, it didn’t last as long as an african american in a horror flick (died out with a quickness) I’ve found love since then, and hoped that it will result in the “I do’s”, such isn’t the case…but I do look forward yet again to getting those emotions back and looking forward to the chase…i’m such a sucker for love.

now about Greece…you seriously need to stop, i have brochures from a trip a friend and I was planning some years ago. Ohter than the mother land, something about Greece is calling me to visit (but until i get over my fear of flying I’ll do just that lol)

Mel—you have definitely started something with this blog…I think I will have to post my own version of this in my own blog…

Ms. Pascalle- This is getting ridiculous, get out of my head. We are waaayyyy too much alike girl. We are going to have to do some serous research into our family tree. We are the epitome of kindred spirits right about now. After our individual writing projects are done, we need to co-write a relationship book—it’ll have best seller written all over it, and those we “love” will have no choice but to take notice.

Verse, I so agree with you. I am supposedly planning my wedding (I saw supposedly because that is the lie I have been telling Robert’s mom and my mother). The two of us are the types to either elope with a few friends and family or taking it down to Panama and be like come down to the beach and join us. I am not looking for a big wedding. Both of us hate big weddings. Please, I am the type of girl who would roll up to the Justice of the Peace in jeans and a veil and call it a day.

phew, i’ve been gona a few days and so much to get back to…

1. Thanks for the history lesson Onika…i always enjoy getting knowledge…it makes sense if you think about it seeing as how fixed marriages were a norm and usually would be to benefit the families and little to do with love.

2. Small weddings can be beautiful. unfortunately i have a huge family (over 70 cousins on my mother’s side alone) who all would want to share in my day so i’m always going to have a big wedding…i could see having a private ceremony and then opening the reception up.

3. I LOVE GREECE. i cannot wait to go back. the people were wonderful. the food was good and it is definitely in my top vacation memories…

I did City Hall … wiht a tooth ache and laughed my way through the entire ceremony. Just couldn’t believe that I was standing there marrying the man. I’m silly.

NY PR Diva, seeing that you’re the city hall jtype..would it matter if you asked your guy to marry you, or does it have to be the other way around?

I’m still thinking of how to approach El Conquistador on his “one of his fiancees” comments (trying to figure out just how many he has lmao)… almost didn’t eat lunch today..and I don’t play with my stomach. lol (so I guess that shows my dinner won’t be on my finger)

Jameka I’m all set for that best-seller

Now back to Verse’s scenerio… I would love for my second time around to be a small garden wedding, with me in a baby soft pink sundress, with my locs wrapped in a bun with traces of pink satin ribbons going through it. My brides maid will be donning floral sundresses as well and my guy, he’ll be in a soft white linen suit…NOW THAT VISION, leads to the question (snowball effect still taking place here). How is it that the woman can view such a romantic and peaceful occassion when she doesn’t even quite have a suitor lol…but yeah that’s how my day will be…rain or shine.

sooooo…. EC Chuckito enlighten m on how many fiancee’s it takes to pick the right one. (something like the lightbulb question lol)

Goodness ya’ll really got into this one, I’m trying to respond to Jameka and had to read all that first lol.

To answer your question Jameka, I don’t know. I’m a unique person, I’m traditional in some sense but at the same time I’m highly adaptable. If I was asked, it would throw me off, but I don’t think in the long run it would faze me.

Now as far as what I mean about a small wedding, i’m think along the lines of Tamara. If i could just eloped, I’d be good. I’m just not big on big wedding, back in the day there was the whole “the father of the bride paying for the wedding” and everything was good. However now it seems, if you want a big wedding you footing the bill mostly yourself. I don’t see why you would want to begin a marriage with a hefty bill from the wedding. I sure down the line we are going to have many bills and have to deal with those, why right out the gate start off with a giant one. Elope, or smalllll in a house wedding is good for me, besides I hateeeeeeeeee being the center of attention, anytime too much attention by too many people is shown my way, it really bugs me out, so a wedding would be torture. Keep it simple, and small, and hey if we got to have a hefty bill blow it on the honeymoon and not the wedding itself.

LMAO @ Onika’s question for Chuck…C’mon El Conquistadore, inquiring minds would like to know, lol.

Hmmm i guess EC Chuckito is counting I am so curious to get the inside scoop on a bachelor’s mind (I can add it to my brother’s rendition)

Ahhhh verse…you sound so sweet, and cute and conservative and …..won’t go on. You hate for being center of attention is cute. So I guess my little garden wedding is cool with you huh I like a man who hates bills.

nahhhhh, i typed it wrong – i meant it as in he’s been engaged more than once, lol, and same here, thats what i meant, not him having multiple fiances at the same time. i said that because of comparing the differences in mentality when a dude proposes because the babe waited, then got a good ring because the babe wanted one. despite the fact that she was caked out (she really was, well over 6 figures) and he was a struggling college student (complete with oodles & noodles), she wasnt trying to hear anything short of a good ring.

as for me, it takes as many relationships / fiances it needs to get it right. i wont settle on somebody “just cause” or else i’d still be with that person from the late 90’s. relationships arent perfect, and sometimes you go thru a few to learn from them and find the person who you can feel “relaxed” with after learning from everything in the past. i’m not saying to date around the entire world, but its not going to be a “1 and done” thing in minority america, as its all types of subplots in every relationship. but i was comparing those different stages where women dont care how much oodles & noodles the dude is eating, they want a good ring, lol. i think it took him 4 fiances to get it right, and he seems “happy” (thats a loose one to attach to him) for now, he’s 2 kids deep into it so cant be that bad.

and for the record, the babe he bought that expensive ring for and he made the pizza comment, he cut her off about 7 years ago (maybe 8)…. and just finally finished off paying for that ring a couple of years ago, lol. never mind the fact he been married Desiree a few years ago and theyre 2 kids deep already, lol.

*whew* Chuck, Chuckito, El Conquistadore…yuh had me scurred for a moment. LOL. Now I got ya’. Sure its fine to date, but how do you know when your heart has met “THE ONE”….why does it have to take as many? See I ask becuase I personally spent 4 years with “the one”… my heart for some reason targeted him and that was it for me. I saw the wedding, I read the vows, and well I’m lets say…paying off that bill

*still shocked at 7 years later he was paying off… that wasn’t lunch on her finger that was a car note or sumn*

lmao @ being “caked out” a hilarious term it is. See every woman is indeed different. There are those who want just love, some who want love and a companion, some who wants love, companionship and honesty (that’s me) and some who just wants the ring…homedude don’t have to come home, but as long as she has her ring she’s ok. I want my ring, my man, and communication.

Now how important is communication to you guys? Should this be another blog?

Yes it should be another blog. I will continue it over at my spot (no one ever comes to visit me over there. I will have a new blog up by the a.m. in reference to Men and Communication. I would put it up now, but I’m on my way back out to a party…another industry event. I’d rather be home, curled up with someone cute watching a good movie. I haven’t seen Bronx Tale or Scarface it a minute.

The new blog is up…have fun.