i spent christmas eve crossing boroughs.  i went to my mom’s to drop off her gifts and then took the 3 hour tour to my dad’s.  i got there expecting to see my niece, nephew, lil cousin and baby brother creating havoc and causing chaos.  instead my nephew was the only minor present to greet me.

everyone else was off doing their own things…my niece was spending the holiday with her dad, my cousin with his parents and my brother was out running the streets as only a teenager can…the house didn’t seem any different than a regular visit. there was nothing to mark the holiday.

i enjoyed watching my nephew open his gifts.  i told the family we were pretending christmas eve was christmas because i could not be with them on christmas.  he seemed to enjoy his new toys and couldn’t wait to use his toothbrush

after dinner, some gossiping with my stepmom, tv, lecturing the teen when he got home and catching up with the old man i headed on my journey home.  it’s when i got home that i sat down and realized how very blessed i am.

2009 was a difficult year.  i faced many challenges.  if my faith wasn’t so strong i’m not sure i would have made it through this year.  i have learned to cherish my loved ones in a way i used to take for granted.  i have also begun foreseeing a time when i might not have them and it scares me senseless.

i also realize that i am lonely.  i need to stand still for a moment and really think of what it is that i need to do to better myself to be the person that God wants me to be.  when i don’t have a clear path i rush through my existence hoping to catch up to what i’m supposed to be doing without ever really looking around to see if i’m going in circles.

i know that i am loved by many.  i know that i have a heart full of love to share.  i know that God is growing me to be the perfect me and is preparing me to find the man he has made to be my partner in life.

i have decided that 2010 will be the year when i meet him.  if he’s someone i already know then 2010 will be the year that we wake up and recognize each other as we’re supposed to be.  next christmas i will be preparing to spend the holiday in my home with my family and him in a bubble of love.

may your christmas be filled with joy, laughter and love because at the end of the day nothing else matters…