so this is going to be one of those postings that can become either woe is me or a lil too preachy…i’m going to do my best to walk the line somewhere between.

i woke up today and one of the first things i did was say my morning prayers and thank God for granting me another day. thought to myself today was going to be a good day if i could just get my body to crawl out of my bed. by the time i brushed my teeth and put on my glasses, (yes, i don’t actually put my glasses on until after i’ve done morning grooming…sometimes they don’t get put on until i make my way to the computer or turn on the tv…guess i’m not that blind when i first wake up!), my mood shifted. instead of being joyous over the fact that atari visited my dreams, i was saddened that i didn’t have more time with him. instead of looking forward to seeing my family this afternoon i began dreading the two hour train ride to visit them. instead of being excited over the beautiful day waiting outside my window i wanted nothing more than to crawl back under my welcoming blanket and hide from the world today.

i fought the urge though, i sent out some emails that needed to be dealt with, i’ve updated Mirror Image Mag, i’ve begun my mental things to do list and i spoke with my mommy who actually grounded me over the phone because she said i sound terrible and she doesn’t want me bringing my germs to her house or my dad’s (mind you i’m just suffering from either a cold or allergies). we can see where i get my air for the dramatics.

i think that i’ve beaten the devil for the most part today. i still have to get that things to do list on paper and start checking off items. i think i might stay closer to home today and visit my parents tomorrow but i will NOT hide under my covers because i have nothing to hide from.

i’m in a period of transition right now. the season is getting ready to change soon and so am i! i think that has something to do with the weird mood i’m in today. i don’t like change. i’ve never been comfortable with it. i like knowing what to expect, even if it is not necessarily something good. that’s not to say i don’t like excitement, just that i like it to fit into my life or to be planned.

for the first time in a number of years i’m really not sure about anything. well, anything except that i am blessed and will be able to handle whatever comes my way. i’m hoping that my faith is strong enough to help me endure this time of uncertainty.

i’ll admit it, i’m kind of scared. what do you do when everything you’ve always leaned on, always depended on to be there all of a sudden disappears. okay, maybe it has been chipping away for a long time but now you see that it is gone. how do you mourn something that you’re unsure of when it was lost?

ok, ok, this is coming awfully close to that whole woe is me thing so i’m gonna stop and go do something productive. thank you for listening to my ramblings as always…

til next time…besos babe!

i wanted to stay mad this time. i wanted to hold everything against you so that i would finally be ready to release you. but let’s be real, i can’t release you because you are part of me. i got myself all worked up into a good anger. you know the type that has smoke seeping out of my ears. really believed myself when i said this is it, i’m not taking anymore. but just like you have done over and over and over again, i lied to myself. i didn’t mean it. i wanted to be telling the truth. i mean, i thought i was telling the truth. is that what happens to you? do you say things and believe them to be true? do you want them to be true but time and circumstances causes them to be something else?

i forgive you. i’m still hurt and disappointed that your actions continue not to match your words, that your promises continue to be broken. i’m still upset that i feel like an option rather than a priority more and more, while you whisper that i am your most important person. but i forgive you.

i forgive you because if i didn’t forgive you, then how could i forgive myself for putting my trust and my heart in your hands for about 1,582 times, one for everyday we have been involved in this undefinable, complex, simple love that we share. i forgive you today, as i will tomorrow and everyday after. i forgive you but please know that i don’t forget.

til next time…besos babe