once upon a time i thought i knew how my life was going to go…then i woke up…actually was woken up one morning and with a simple sentence my world as i knew it changed…

i remember laying in his lap on my mom’s couch while home from school for a weekend. we planned our future that evening while watching tv. nothing specific but enough of an idea that he promised me i wouldn’t have to move back to the apartment in the building where drugs were sold in the lobby and i had to deal with the drama from his baby mama….

that night he promised me that when i graduated from college that spring things would change. we would be together for real and he would get me my own apartment away from the world we lived in. he knew that while i didn’t approve of his lifestyle i would never judge him and i only asked not to be included in it.

that’s how he started with her in the first place…i told him if he ever got locked up don’t even think about calling me! i wasn’t gonna do a bid with anyone…not even him…so when he did, he didn’t…he called her…she was willing to do the bid with him…and ended up having his son the following year…

either way we had our ups and downs but he always showed me unconditional love. i believed him when he made his promise on the couch that night…not because i doubted he would lie but because i saw him wanting an escape as bad as i did…

life can change in a heartbeat…i learned that five years ago today…it was a thursday…regular day…or at least it was supposed to be…i had a doctor’s appointment, 2 classes and was supposed to work on my thesis…i remember being woken up by the phone ringing…i didn’t want to answer it because it was too early…but i didn’t want to let it ring because i didn’t want it to wake up Ro & Lola…i looked at the caller ID and realized it was my mom…now i’m annoyed…

why does she always have to call so early?

HELLO!

ARE YOU ALONE?

MOMMY IT’S 7 SOMETHING IN THE MORNING! YES, I’M ALONE…

YOUR ROOMMATES AREN’T THERE?

IN THEIR ROOM SLEEP. WHAT IS IT? I WANNA GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I GOT A PHONE CALL THIS MORNING. SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT. I REALLY DON’T WANT YOU TO BE ALONE WHEN I TELL YOU. GO WAKE UP YOUR ROOMMATES

WHAT LADY? I’M NOT GOING TO WAKE THEM UP. WHATEVER IT IS JUST TELL ME.

ATARI GOT SHOT.

(my life changing moment…wish i could say i did something dramatic like scream, faint, throw the phone, anything but i didn’t…)

OK AND? HE’S AIGHT RIGHT? DID THEY KEEP HIM IN THE HOSPITAL? I’LL VISIT HIM WHEN I COME HOME FOR WORK. I’LL SPEND THE WEEKEND AT YOUR HOUSE.

MALY, HE DIDN’T MAKE IT. HE’S DEAD. MELISSA, THEY KILLED HIM.

now anybody that knows my mother knows she’s overdramatic…so when she said this i didn’t take it for real…figured he might be really hurt but this is her sordid way of easing me into it…tell me he’s dead but then show me it’s not as bad…i know it doesn’t make sense and i don’t even think my mom is that bad but in my head its what i needed to believe…

i guess i was too silent for a while because she started calling my name…couldn’t really tell you how we got off the phone but we did and i sat on my bed holding the phone replaying the conversation in my head over and over for what seemed like an eternity but couldn’t have been more than a few minutes.

i wanted to talk to my best friend but i didn’t think i could talk. had to hear her voice though…walked into my roommates room. walked out. walked back in…Lola woke up.

what’s wrong she asked, go back to sleep i said. someting’s wrong. atari is dead. she woke up Ro. they got Des on the phone. i had the same conversation my mother and i had except this time i played the role of her.

i remember listening to Des cry over the phone. i walked through the rest of the day as a zombie. i remember walking through the next week as a zombie. sitting in the dean of the honor’s programs office (good ol’ Julio) and him telling me i should go speak to a counselor. yea, what ever.

i never cried. not sure if i’ve cried yet. 5 years later today. the closest i remember coming to crying was when kiara walked up to me at the funeral and after hugging me asked

DID YOU KILL MY DADDY?

i have a wonderful life today. his promise was kept. i never had to move back to my old building. my mom moved into a new apartment the same month i graduated from college. when i came home i lived in a whole new world. i never really let go. even today i sometimes question what if…

i know he’s not coming back and i’ve found love again…and again…lol…but every night when i say my prayers i thank God for giving me a guardian angel that stands by my side and protects me in all i do…and i get a lil sad when today comes because a part of me relives that phone call and maybe i always will…

i love my life and everything that has happened to me in the past 5 years…the good and the bad…the laughter and the tears…the love and the heartbreak…

i am who i am because of all that has happened to make me this way…i wouldn’t change a moment of my life because i might not end up where i am now but that doesn’t mean i can’t miss the first man to live in my heart…

til next time…besos babe!

i just got off the phone with a friend of mine that asked me what’s going on ms. busybee.

such a simple question with a complex answer…i kind of take my life for granted. i am blessed with always having something popping off. i also surround myself with likeminded individuals…in the sense that my entire inner circle is on their grind.

even as you go out beyond my inner circle to my surrounding circles, you’ll see people are still taking care of their business. i’ve always said that i am what i am in part due to my friends. i know that if my friends ever saw me not living up to my potential they would definitely put me in my place. just like i would them.

we definitely don’t live by the crab barrel mentality. we want nothing more than to see each other succeed. i don’t understand how someone could hate on a person they know. how do you look a person you know in the face and wish them harm? it just doesn’t make sense in my head.

so this week i just want to shout out my friends that are making power moves:
* Chuckie- saying forget OT this week its OC…as in OUT THE COUNTRY…yessir and he’s not even footing the bill! don’t forget to call me from the stores…i’m trying to get some things imported!
* City- where do i even start…what don’t you do???
* Cola- celebrating her birthday in pure Team M.E.L. style…flying cross country to spend the weekend with her friends. get home and get ready for the beginning of your CELEBRATION!
* Daisy- you know what you doing! i’m always gonna be right by your side.
* Dutch & Hot- can’t wait to hear the mix tape…i’m always gonna be the first lady of BLACKOUT!
* Em-Elle- handle the reunion…you know you going to break hearts…just beware of fat girls with acne!
* Empress- holding down the weekend BIG TIME! Its no wonder you wear the crown.
* Johnny- go and get corporate…i want that free dinner!
* Levar- i’m telling you the first time was just for practice…you got it this time
* Praige- guess i don’t have the only Diva’s Den around anymore…we’re going tri-state…we’re a FRANCHISE! ha!
* Showcase Entertainment- always on top…setting trends EARLY…got our own team for the AIDSwalk…

*** i know there are so many more of my chosen family doing it up BIG…i apologize if i didn’t shout you out but you know i HEART all of you and sometimes its hard to keep up with everything you all have going on…so please know that everyday you and your success are in my prayers***

okay, now that i’ve discussed how blessed i am with family (last week) & my friends (this week) hopefully i’ll be over my mushiness next week and ready to bring something new to the table…

til next time…besos baby!!!