It amuses me to really think of the simple complexities of life…those things that have me walking around as a walking contradiction while being 100% true to myself (whomever that is @ the moment)…does that mean that who I am is a real life oxymoron??? watch your mouth! There’s always a method to my madness…or so I hope

Oprah had a show on class today and now it has me contemplating this life of mine…as if that’s a new development…there was a woman on the show that could’ve been me. She was climbing the class ladder…she mentioned growing up poor but now enjoys her $200 jeans & Chanel shades…is this my doppleganger??? I ask as I type on my Sidekick 2, listening to music on my MDA on my way to work with my Casadei shoes tucked into my Nine West bag…pardon me as I push up my Dolce & Gabbana glasses…

Climbing the class ladder is hard work & it is a scary journey…when you slip off of a normal ladder you risk breaking a bone. Falling back down the class ladder can be heartbreaking.

The young woman on Oprah talk about knowing one day she would have her big house & fancy engagement ring. Her family ridiculed her for her fantasies…this is where we are no longer twins. My family doesn’t ridicule me but I don’t think they necessarily understand me.

Before I left to the Bahamas I was sitting talking to my mom. She asked me if I had been to the Bahamas before & when I said no she said she assumed I had because I’ve been everywhere. I really haven’t been that many places. At least I don’t feel like I have yet, I can see how from my mother’s perception I’m a frequent flyer.

The last time my mom left the country she was 16 & she went to Puerto Rico. The last time she had a real vacation must have been when her, my dad & some friends drove to disney world when I was a baby. I live in a world different than the one my mom lives in. Yet I know she loves & supports me. I do remember times though when our values clashed. There was this time back when I was in college that we got into an argument & she told me to stop trying to compete with the other kids that had more than me. She didn’t get that for me I would never be able to stop trying to prove that I was just as good, if not better than some of those kids whose parents made six figures while my mom was on disability & my dad welfare.

The reality is that I’m no longer in competition with those kids in college. Today the competition is strictly between me & where I want to be. When my sister heard my luggage was missing she sent me a message on myspace asking if I “balled” & bought everything brand new. That’s the person I have become. I might say I’m broke but I no longer consider myself poor. If I have a sugar sandwich now its because I want it or am too lazy to cook something not because there’s nothing else to eat in the kitchen.

I spend time at my dad’s house & see how happy the family is over there. I wonder where I fit in with my $200 jeans & Dolce glasses. My dad thinks I’m crazy & wasting my money when I plan yet another trip or buy another gadget yet I’m still part of that crazy latino brady bunch.
And despite my parents being content lower on the class ladder than I am now I’m not so far above that they don’t offer financial assistance (not that I accept without a war) when my paychecks are a few months late. Like the girl on Oprah I believe that I will have my big house & fancy engagement ring. Until that time comes I will smile & look at how I continue to catch up with my ideals everytime I get my passport stamped or slip on a new pair of Guiseppi’s.

Who says I can’t change the world while wearing Gucci???

Til next time…besos baby

written friday august 18th
how can anyone sit poolside under a gorgeous starry night surrounded by palm trees on a tropical island steps off the beach and still be sad and angry? why can’t the knowledge that as mama said i’m a ghetto girl that has seen the world be enough to remind me that i am too blessed to ever feel stressed?

apparently all it took was a few minutes of sinking my feet into the bahamas’ sand and watching the carribean sea reaching the shore with waves drowning the sandcastles that were left as the day gave way to night. the wind and water spoke to me. my feet found a home as i buried my toes in the cool sand.

i’m back poolside because it becama a lil too intense sitting on the beach being reprimanded by the water and the wind. looking up in the sky made me realize that i’m here to serve a purpose. i wish i wasn’t so scared of the dialogue that could’ve continued between the spirit of the land and myself had i not run away to the silence of the pool and overlooking hotel.

i need to find a way to stop being afraid of connecting to myself and my higher being. i’ve been hiding from me a lot lately and not sure how to make the game of hide & seek end.
maybe i needed of all of the things going wrong on this trip to happen so that i can realize that there is no running away from what life is offering. there is so much good going on in my life yet most of the time i concentrate on what is going wrong.

even on this trip i’ve been doing it. rather than accepting my circumstances i have spent time brooding. that must stop! spending the whole time worried about what might be happening with my luggage isn’t making it get to me any sooner so i must accept it is what it is and everything happens for a reason…

til next time…besos baby