either way, i was fortunate enough and blessed to WAKE UP.

waking up from being lost is kind of like waking up from that deep sleep when you jump out of bed and have so much energy but at the same time you’re not quite right because you’re still dazed and confused.  i’m working through that confusion now.  trying to piece together what is real and what is not.  trying to decipher fact from fiction and turning right around and realizing it doesn’t really matter what was real because it is all over.

i’m seeing some of the woman i left behind trying to be someone that was smarter, prettier, more what he might have wanted. now i’m going to need to get focused on being who i want to be.

who do i want to be? what do i want? most people know the answer to those questions when they’re a child. i just turned 31.  i’m still struggling with the answers.  but now rather than fearing them i am excited by them.

last night i had friends over to the diva’s den for game night…we played, scrabble slam, trivial pursuit and taboo…had drinks, ate some food, laughed, learned and just plain had a good old time…the crazy thing was many of the people that showed up didn’t know each other which might have made for an awkward event except that the people in my world are amazing…

we can be called selfish, shallow, materialistic, judgmental, snobbish “plastics” but at the end of the day if you come with good intentions and good energy than we will welcome you…even when people are having underlying issues with someone else in the group we do not bring it to the forefront and ask people to choose sides…we live, learn and let each other simply be…

i realized that this in itself is simply breathtaking…my friends are so different and bring so many different cultures, beliefs, values, styles and upbringings…this morning i had a discussion with one of the amazing women in my life and told her that i believe relative are people you’re born with a blood connection but your true family are the people you choose to have in your life…

i love my family…

til next time…besos babe!

Click here to view the embedded video.

i know soooooooooooooo many beautiful, intelligent, educated (yes, there is a difference), cultured, diverse women and when we all sit down we still become those insecure 7th graders worrying if the cute boy in our 3rd period knows we exist. 

it’s so silly because while we’re quick to take on the world and push through glass ceilings and make room for ourselves in the boys only clubs of too many professions with nothing but the knowledge that we are worthwhile a lot of us lose that courage when it comes to our love lives.

so i’m here to make a toast to the ladies willing to brave the cafeteria to sit next to the cutie from 3rd period and pass him the note that says “do you like me? pls check yes, no or maybe”

if you’re unsure of a non-date then let me define it for you…a non date is when you go out with a member of the opposite sex but in your mind it’s not really a date.  you might not consider it a date for a number of reasons…reason #1, you’re not romantically interested, reason #2, one of you just recently got out of a serious relationship, reason #3, the chosen location is not a place you would ever consider a real date…the list can go on but i think you get the point…

very quickly let me fill you in on my most recent non-date…i go out with a gentleman i’ve known casually for some time…i consider this a non-date for a number of reasons but he cements this fact when he picks me up for the non-date with a third party already in the car…hmm, drop my off at the nearest train or cab is my first thought BUT then i hear all of my girls saying give it a shot…we finally drop off the third party and attempt to find a spot where we can get drinks and food mid-afternoon…

a few minutes into the drive and we start talking about baby mama drama…i’m thinking since we know each other he feels comfortable divulging information that shouldn’t be discussed on a first date or non-date…and i let it slide…

after not finding anywhere upscale we end up at applebee’s…boo for a non-date but i do love me applebee’s so i’m not hailing a cab…good conversation…good drinks…just enough time that i can make non-date #2 of the night and we’re back in the car…

now i’m being rude and texting to my homegirl (who happens to know the non-date i’m with through a mutual person) and she drops the bombshell on me that he is MARRIED!!! now you would think this would come up somewhere in the conversation of the last 3 hours…

ladies and gentlemen…i am home, showered, dressed to head out to the next non-date and i still should be believing that this gentleman is as single as me…now, you might say my friend is mistaken…nope, she double checked with a reliable source to make sure she wasn’t throwing dirt on the gentleman’s name…looks like he’s doing a good enough job on his own to cover up…smh…

well, i’m off to non date #2…wish me luck…til next time…besos baby!

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

Just can’t seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don’t know how you gave another who didn’t mean a thing, no
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you’ve changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain’t the same
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I’m much too full of resentment

I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could
And it’s all because you lied

[Bridge:]
Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it’s all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I’m too damn full of resentment

I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin’ with you for six years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you, you
I know your probably thinking what’s up with Bee
I been crying for too long what did you do to me
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I’m crying cant stop crying cant stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me
How could you lie

then my reality crashed DEAD center into my perceptions shattering them and the image of reality i have created…not i’m left shaking my head and attempting to talk myself out of an anxiety attack that will leave me rocking and crying in the corner.

rather than doing that i chose to get on the computer and type.  i can’t type about what i originally thought because i need to spend sometime picking up the shattered pieces of what i thought was my existence.  can it only be reality when nobody knows you’re watching?  is that the only way you truely get to see what is the “truth”?

wow!  wow! wow! it only takes a moment to lose faith in what might have been.  i’m really sitting here with my stomach in knots because i began to believe that my perception when matched with the perceptions of others seemed to be making the reality of what i wanted. tsk, tsk. i live in a world that is comprised of smoke and mirrors…why would i not have known that sooner or later the lights would be turned on…

now that is not to say that i don’t find a magic in celebrating the new year.  it is always exciting to imagine what the next 365 days will bring.  it’s kind of like when you celebrate your birthday.  you know that you have just closed a chapter in your life that will never be revisited.

i was kind of saddened when i heard so many people saying how this year was going to be all about them, or how they wouldn’t be helping others this year and would be putting themselves first.  i was saddened because i’ve been there before.  i was saddened because if everyone disregarded everyone else how would love ever be expressed.

i’m all for putting yourself first.  i once read a really good article on will & jada pinkett-smith where i believe it was jada that was quoted saying that the secret to why her marriage and family are successful is because she puts herself first, her marriage second and her family third.  she went on to explain it in the sense that it’s like when you’re on a plane.  the reason the emergency instructions say put on your air mask first is because if you don’t you can’t help anyone else.  she said that she has to make sure she is always at her best so she can bring her best to the table for her marriage and children.  the reason her marriage comes second is because it sets the foundation for her family.  if her marriage foundation isn’t developed and taken care of than how can it support the family.

i thought this statement was amazing.  i also found it completely unselfish and made in love.  it was never a matter of putting herself first because she thought her better or more important.  she simply wanted to be able to support her husband and family in the best way possible.  unfortunately, many of the “i’m putting myself first,” statements i heard coming into this year were not made from the same vantage point.

it is for that very reason that i am naming 2010 the year of love!!!

this is the year that i will look for love in everything.  i will give love to everything.  love is what makes life.  love is everywhere.  love is in the sun shining in the am.  love is in the stars blinking at night.  love is in the gentle snore that can be overheard when you roll over.  love is in the giggle of a child.  love is in the smell of food cooking.  love is EVERYWHERE and it is waiting to be discovered.  so i will be an adventurer this year.  i will discover what has never been lost but simply ignored.

WE have ignored love for too long and now so many of us don’t even know it when we see it.  i challenge you to see love this year.  when you see love, it brings you more love.  it is always there for you just waiting to be acknowledged.  acknowledge it now!!!

everyone else was off doing their own things…my niece was spending the holiday with her dad, my cousin with his parents and my brother was out running the streets as only a teenager can…the house didn’t seem any different than a regular visit. there was nothing to mark the holiday.

i enjoyed watching my nephew open his gifts.  i told the family we were pretending christmas eve was christmas because i could not be with them on christmas.  he seemed to enjoy his new toys and couldn’t wait to use his toothbrush

after dinner, some gossiping with my stepmom, tv, lecturing the teen when he got home and catching up with the old man i headed on my journey home.  it’s when i got home that i sat down and realized how very blessed i am.

2009 was a difficult year.  i faced many challenges.  if my faith wasn’t so strong i’m not sure i would have made it through this year.  i have learned to cherish my loved ones in a way i used to take for granted.  i have also begun foreseeing a time when i might not have them and it scares me senseless.

i also realize that i am lonely.  i need to stand still for a moment and really think of what it is that i need to do to better myself to be the person that God wants me to be.  when i don’t have a clear path i rush through my existence hoping to catch up to what i’m supposed to be doing without ever really looking around to see if i’m going in circles.

i know that i am loved by many.  i know that i have a heart full of love to share.  i know that God is growing me to be the perfect me and is preparing me to find the man he has made to be my partner in life.

i have decided that 2010 will be the year when i meet him.  if he’s someone i already know then 2010 will be the year that we wake up and recognize each other as we’re supposed to be.  next christmas i will be preparing to spend the holiday in my home with my family and him in a bubble of love.

may your christmas be filled with joy, laughter and love because at the end of the day nothing else matters…

what stops me?  only myself.  as my biggest critic in life i continue to stop myself.  why?  maybe because i don’t trust myself as much as others seem to.  or maybe because every time i allow myself to leap without looking i’m the only one around to pick up the pieces.

in no way do i regret my decision to leave my job.  it was possibly the most selfish and healthy thing i have ever done in life.  what i am challenged by is my lack of action plan since.  i’m living in fear of not knowing what i want to do.  yet, i usually pride myself in casting fear aside because i know, trust and believe that my God will see me through anything that He has seen me to.

in no way do i regret loving him for over 5 years even if i can now see how one sided the love really was. what challenges me now is understanding that it is okay to be sad and miss having an almost partner but reminding myself that i am worth a loving, caring, committed man that will cherish & support me in the same way i did him.

i keep waking up so i know that i am blessed and still have a purpose in this world.  what challenges me is learning what that purpose is.

in no way is this what i planned to blog when signing it but let’s be real very rarely does the plan meet the paper.  hopefully this flow will be the beginning of letting go of all that is in my head and heart.  what challenges me is not an absence of content but instead a jumble of ideas, poetry, blogs, books that all wish to tumble forth yet block each other the chance for entry into the world.

i am what challenges me.  i am who wins and loses when i succeed and fail.  i am the one that can tear myself apart.  and i am the one that will rebuild!

til next time.  besos babe!